I wish I only lived at night.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize