He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
