Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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