Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
