Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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