did you get engaged???
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Someone came in the potted fern
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
