She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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