come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
