i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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