Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
