Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
