Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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