Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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