My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
