the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
