How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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