Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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