She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
