Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
