Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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