Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
