i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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