my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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