got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize