The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
