My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
