my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
