i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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