i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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