Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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