Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
