im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
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