life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
