I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
