when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
