Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
