I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
