That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
