This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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