i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
