i may or may not be watching the land before time
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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