don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
