the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
