I must be too annoying 4 u.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
