My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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