I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
