I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
