"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
