got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
