I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
And then he peed in my hair
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