my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
