Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
