if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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