Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
