Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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