I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
