Quick, to the slutcave!
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
