We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
