I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
