Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
