My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize