He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
