Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
