also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
